My last semester has been a busy one. Preparing for my comprehensive exam and my final thesis on Fibromyalgia sucked up most of my time. Over spring break, I was lucky enough to be gifted a car from my grandparents and as a result, I was able to shoot regularly at a wonderful archery range not but 20-25 minutes from campus. Emotionally, I was fairly apathetic looking forward almost entirely for my trip to the UK. I didn't feel any excitement for graduation or my birthday, but I didn't feel dread either. I just didn't feel much of anything. My comprehensive exam consisted of my 80 page thesis, an hour presentation on my research and then a 1 and 1/2 hour oral exam over anything given to me by my faculty panel. The culmination of these three things would be used to grade the incomplete credits on all my previous tutorials as well as my synthesis tutorial. I've never been more stressed or studied so hard for an exam in my life. My sleep was terrible and I lacked energy for most things. This is also about the time that my exercise routine fell off as I became ill and also just suffered from workout fatigue from doing the same or similar workouts for too long.
Now the uncertainty that I mentioned earlier. As many of you knew, I had an interview for Indiana University School of Medicine in February and I was slated to hear back on the 15th of some month following. I was part of the last interview group and so it was unlikely that I would hear back until May 15th or at latest June 1. That didn't happen though. Near the end of April, I received an email stating that I was on the alternates list for medical school with 99 others. Should they have an opening, the list would be reviewed and while it varied from year to year about half would receive offers at any point until as late as August 10th. I was devastated more because of the uncertainty of the matter. How could I plan for that. I was also extremely frustrated. I didn't understand how after having a decent MCAT score and so much going for me, why I'd only faced rejection and now feeling stuck about the next year.
Another common theme in my last year was how stagnate my life felt. Towards the end of my time in Oxford, I had come into my own, been able to feel like an agent in my life and my choices. I'd fallen in loves in more way than one and I'd been ripped back to a life that felt meaningless. Getting my degree was a series of checked boxes. There was a routine about it all. While I had initially found the uncertainty that hearing back from medical school provided, I was also struck by the liberating freedom of it. Suddenly I had choices and after a year of trying to create a life my own in Kansas City and to some extent Indiana, I was excited at the prospect of potentially returning to a place that could be my own again. So my life has been about contingencies but also possibilities.
So I feel torn, stuck between possibilities and having to face the reality that nothing is guaranteed and I could crash and burn. I've failed to some degree that expectations that I had for myself and were given to me by my parents and society. Despite my best efforts, I have had to jump ship of the path expected of me and I hope that I will be happier for it, but there is a part of me that still responds to the failure part. So, while I sit in uncertainty, I enter on a holiday with people I love and have, thus far, found happiness in it.
My journey to the UK was a very long one. I left Indianapolis at 3pm and arrived in London Gatwick after two plane changes at noon the next day. My boyfriend and housemate greeted me at the airport dressed as security complete with suits and a sign for my character in the roleplaying society game. I couldn't stop grinning, though that meant I had to play along. Took everything to prevent myself from tackling them. That evening, I played in the society game and I was reminded how much I missed sessions and talking to people. By the end though, I was so shattered and turned in after eating for the first time since my flight that morning.
The following days have been a mix of returning to familiar areas of Oxford and seeing all those people I missed. Jetlag hit me a lot harder this time round and I think that was because I was already a bit sleep deprived and still recovering from such a stressful time. I'm staying in Headington which is a 20-30 minute bike ride from Oxford and I have been cycling a lot more than I've ever done in Oxford and for awhile. I managed to go to an archery session but have been unable to shoot. I also went for a run in the beautiful weather, though I can't seem to plan appropriately for the weather in my clothing choice. I'm hoping to settle into more of a routine soon.
I'm often struck by how normal living here feels. Not normal as in mundane, but as in natural and comfortable and easy. The only problem I feel is the itch to do something productive. When I try to reassure myself that I'm on holiday, I can't help but think, on holiday from what? After all, nothing is guaranteed past this month. One of the things that I have done in response to my uncertainty is apply for a number of jobs in the UK. The problem is that as a non-native that does not have a work visa at the moment and would need a company to sponsor immigration, I know that my chances are slim, but that's not stopping me from trying. I can feel myself afraid to commit to my life hear due to this uncertainty even though its something I want very much and I think that has left me paralysed, I don't want to go through missing it again. I'm happy but scared. But, what new graduate hasn't felt that way.
I look forward to my coming weeks and hope to have more answers and new questions soon. Until then, I'll sit here watching Eurovision (if you don't know what it is, look it up) and looking forward to the adventures before me.
KH
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