Saturday, May 30, 2015

Dreaming

There is a sur-realness to my time here in Oxford. I walk the same old roads and quite a few new ones and I am struck by the old problem of contextualizing it all. Too long to be a holiday, too short to live in this moment, and I'm caught between a desire to plan and a desire to let things go. I find myself wishing that I had a job, a place I need to be, or a thing I need to do. I don't think my situation is in any way unique to recent college grads or anyone in a transition period of their life. So I guess that's all I really have to say, I'm stuck dreaming trying to decide if I'm going to have a nightmare or a daydream and that anxiety is my only issue.

This last week has been a mix of heavy exercise and indulgence. I started the week by going to fitness on Monday night. It was wonderful to relive the Monday night fitness experience and I felt pretty good about it though I combined it with a bike ride from Headington and back. It was nice seeing the friendly faces adding to the surreal feeling.

I can tell that I've settled in a bit more at The Coven as it is so lovingly named. I made quiche earlier in the week and made plans to make all of the other things that I promised. This includes biscuits and white gravy, a breakfast food that seems to baffle my UK friends.

Sara has made her way to Oxford as well and it was a miraculous feeling having the Archery Novice squad (sans a few members) back together again. I also got to spend the day listening to the wonderful concert choir of William Jewell perform. Watching them always gives me chills and I was so proud of Sara and her solos. Still watching the choir has always filled me with a twinge of regret. One of my few goals freshman year at William Jewell was to make the concert choir. I took voice lessons and did as much as I could given my already hefty course load I was taking (but maybe even that is an excuse, I believed that I was good enough), but my year in Oxford without any musical practice, no choirs or lessons, and my emotional state during the start of last year my audition, particularly the sight reading part, was worse than any year prior. While I'm grateful that I didn't have to tour for the last few weeks and could spend that time here in Oxford, I miss the feeling of being a part of a chorus, of adding my voice to a part and that crunchy feeling of singing harmony with another. It was a reminder that I failed in some regard to reach all of my goals and with so much uncertainty over the next few months, I couldn't help but feel that failing more acutely. I'm glad I went and got to see a few of my Jewell friends one last time, I also met up with some people who I will be seeing in a few weeks, and finally made plans with Sara and others which I will be going to tonight. As always, the people make everything worth while.

I spent most of the week lazing about with a few adventures. It's been awhile since I've been able to indulge in video games, movies, and have eaten quite so much bacon. To match though, I've been trying to keep up with my exercise. Jenny, one of the members of the Coven, occasionally joins me on my jogs and had been an off and on work out buddy. Today we went on a longer adventure than I had anticipated but it reminded me about one of the things I love about Oxford. Within ten minutes of jogging, I left city scape to country side. Thirty minutes later I was atop a hill with a beautiful view of the countryside. After an hour, I'm in a neighbouring town all together. If I go fifteen minutes in the other direction, I'm in the middle of city centre. Accessibility to such a variety of environments encourages me to travel. I enjoy exercising here and I'm a little surprised I had the 6.3 mile journey in me, but I always find my endurance increases when I'm on a new journey taking a new path.



Two of the remaining applications I put out for jobs here in the UK closed this week and I hope to hear about interviews soon. Wish me luck. If anything else, my boyfriend starts his three week holiday today as well. As always, I hope that I find more and answers and new questions before next time. Until then, Adventures Await.

~KH

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Living with Uncertainty and Finding Happiness

May 18th marked my departure from the US for a second time to return to the UK, in particular the Oxford/Headington area. I left not but two days after graduation, four days after my birthday and a week after my final comprehensive exam that dictated 21 credit hours of my undergraduate education. To express the level of change and unrest that accompanied so much journeying is difficult. It is safe to say that I am in a transition period of sorts in my life and the uncertainty of my future is fairly significant. I haven't posted in awhile, but I can summarize quickly before talking about the meat of why I am posting again.

My last semester has been a busy one. Preparing for my comprehensive exam and my final thesis on Fibromyalgia sucked up most of my time. Over spring break, I was lucky enough to be gifted a car from my grandparents and as a result, I was able to shoot regularly at a wonderful archery range not but 20-25 minutes from campus. Emotionally, I was fairly apathetic looking forward almost entirely for my trip to the UK. I didn't feel any excitement for graduation or my birthday, but I didn't feel dread either. I just didn't feel much of anything. My comprehensive exam consisted of my 80 page thesis, an hour presentation on my research and then a 1 and 1/2 hour oral exam over anything given to me by my faculty panel. The culmination of these three things would be used to grade the incomplete credits on all my previous tutorials as well as my synthesis tutorial. I've never been more stressed or studied so hard for an exam in my life. My sleep was terrible and I lacked energy for most things. This is also about the time that my exercise routine fell off as I became ill and also just suffered from workout fatigue from doing the same or similar workouts for too long.


Now the uncertainty that I mentioned earlier. As many of you knew, I had an interview for Indiana University School of Medicine in February and I was slated to hear back on the 15th of some month following. I was part of the last interview group and so it was unlikely that I would hear back until May 15th or at latest June 1. That didn't happen though. Near the end of April, I received an email stating that I was on the alternates list for medical school with 99 others. Should they have an opening, the list would be reviewed and while it varied from year to year about half would receive offers at any point until as late as August 10th. I was devastated more because of the uncertainty of the matter. How could I plan for that. I was also extremely frustrated. I didn't understand how after having a decent MCAT score and so much going for me, why I'd only faced rejection and now feeling stuck about the next year.

Another common theme in my last year was how stagnate my life felt. Towards the end of my time in Oxford, I had come into my own, been able to feel like an agent in my life and my choices. I'd fallen in loves in more way than one and I'd been ripped back to a life that felt meaningless. Getting my degree was a series of checked boxes. There was a routine about it all. While I had initially found the uncertainty that hearing back from medical school provided, I was also struck by the liberating freedom of it. Suddenly I had choices and after a year of trying to create a life my own in Kansas City and to some extent Indiana, I was excited at the prospect of potentially returning to a place that could be my own again. So my life has been about contingencies but also possibilities.

So I feel torn, stuck between possibilities and having to face the reality that nothing is guaranteed and I could crash and burn. I've failed to some degree that expectations that I had for myself and were given to me by my parents and society. Despite my best efforts, I have had to jump ship of the path expected of me and I hope that I will be happier for it, but there is a part of me that still responds to the failure part. So, while I sit in uncertainty, I enter on a holiday with people I love and have, thus far, found happiness in it.

My journey to the UK was a very long one. I left Indianapolis at 3pm and arrived in London Gatwick after two plane changes at noon the next day. My boyfriend and housemate greeted me at the airport dressed as security complete with suits and a sign for my character in the roleplaying society game. I couldn't stop grinning, though that meant I had to play along. Took everything to prevent myself from tackling them. That evening, I played in the society game and I was reminded how much I missed sessions and talking to people. By the end though, I was so shattered and turned in after eating for the first time since my flight that morning.



The following days have been a mix of returning to familiar areas of Oxford and seeing all those people I missed. Jetlag hit me a lot harder this time round and I think that was because I was already a bit sleep deprived and still recovering from such a stressful time. I'm staying in Headington which is a 20-30 minute bike ride from Oxford and I have been cycling a lot more than I've ever done in Oxford and for awhile. I managed to go to an archery session but have been unable to shoot. I also went for a run in the beautiful weather, though I can't seem to plan appropriately for the weather in my clothing choice. I'm hoping to settle into more of a routine soon.


I'm often struck by how normal living here feels. Not normal as in mundane, but as in natural and comfortable and easy. The only problem I feel is the itch to do something productive. When I try to reassure myself that I'm on holiday, I can't help but think, on holiday from what? After all, nothing is guaranteed past this month. One of the things that I have done in response to my uncertainty is apply for a number of jobs in the UK. The problem is that as a non-native that does not have a work visa at the moment and would need a company to sponsor immigration, I know that my chances are slim, but that's not stopping me from trying. I can feel myself afraid to commit to my life hear due to this uncertainty even though its something I want very much and I think that has left me paralysed, I don't want to go through missing it again. I'm happy but scared. But, what new graduate hasn't felt that way.

I look forward to my coming weeks and hope to have more answers and new questions soon. Until then, I'll sit here watching Eurovision (if you don't know what it is, look it up) and looking forward to the adventures before me.

KH