Ending a Journey

My final week in Oxford was a mix of heart break and joy. Most of the students had left Oxford with only those still suffering from exams around. Of course this also meant that those people who lived in Oxford were still around.  I found myself avoiding being alone at every opportunity, taking the moment to spend time with the friends who still remained. Of course the risk with spending time with those people is only strengthening those bonds and making it even harder to come home.

I don't regret anything about my final week. Rather in growing close to them I was able to live entirely in this one crystallized moment. The week went by quickly. I didn't do much archery, as the arrangement with the university and local club had ended and I had no place to shoot for free. Instead, I hung out with friends, watched shows, and played video games. The stress of the week was getting to me, and my sleep schedule became more erratic and I slept a lot more than normal. This didn't help with the speed at which the week was going by.

At the end of the week, a few archery friends who were still around, finished their last exams and we celebrated together. All of us were on Novice squad. Novice squad was probably the best thing for the archery team. The bonds that we developed by spending so much time practising and competing in a sport we loved, made us very close. Friday evening was particularly hard. There is a point where we all sat in the hall singing songs, holding each other and weeping. I was overcome by not just the fear of never seeing them again, but also a dilemma.

Never had I ever questioned the path that I had decided for myself. Never had I ever felt like I was sacrificing something for my dreams or aspirations. Never had I ever been confronted with the workaholic ambition that has driven me to this point in my life. In this hallway, I looked forward and saw two paths, one in which I continued to go to medical school in the states, only to potentially return to Oxford once I was an established doctor, or one to go to medical school at Oxford and perhaps sacrifice my career potential to recapture my time here in Oxford. Of course both of these decisions would be delayed by a year, and many of the components of the life which had made me so happy here in Oxford, would not be the same in just a years time. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want this experience, this opportunity to fade into memory which is at best unreliable. I didn't want the bonds to fade or to become meaningless in the expanse of my life. As I sat their, holding hands with some of my best friends that I had made, I didn't see how either eventuality would preserve the elements of happiness in my life. No matter what I did, I felt like my joy would be fleeting and my happiness more so. I despised the prospect of starting again and again, rebuilding and losing, rebuilding and losing.

The next day, a large group of RPGsoc came out and celebrated my last weekend in Oxford. We went to the Thirsty Meeples board gaming cafe and played games for much of the afternoon, before heading to a pub for food, a second pub for drinks and finally seeing a movie. I also got to spend the morning at the Ashmolean (crossing off another thing on my list). I was so touched that so many people wanted to come out and play with me. It really confirmed the sense of community that I gained from this year and only served to provide another instance of loss and frustration at the prospect of building a new community for myself.

My final day in Oxford, I spent largely packing. When it came to that evening, I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to lose the remaining time I had left to unconsciousness. So the last night was spent wandering Oxford at night and pretending to be a tourist by taking those touristy photos at night. It was a good way to reflect on my time here and also to take the opportunity to capture Oxford at a time when people were more barren.

Getting little sleep, I left for my flight early this morning and it was not without its tear felt good byes. I figured that I could sleep on the plane and thus was not too bothered by the lack of sleep. But then, travelling is never easy. I had plenty of hassle through every security check point and customs seemed ill equipped to deal with a student who had spent a year abroad moving home. Fortunately I got through everything, but not without being over loaded with baggage fees. I did sleep on the flight, but it was far from restful. Many times during the process I was brought to the brink of tears. I didn't want to leave and travel was already making it hard.

Just as before, I was overcome by the familiarity of travelling in the US and was saddened as I already felt the image of Oxford fade, just a little. Safe to say I am exhausted and that there is little I want to do but sleep. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Expect a more extensive reflection once I have had time to process and sleep. To those I have left behind, I can not be anything but grateful for everything I have been given during this process. This has been a journey of a lifetime and I hope that it doesn't grow stale but instead remains an ever present part of myself. Until next time.

Adventures Await

KH

Mourning

I wrote last week that this week would be a week of heart break, but also hopefully celebration. I would say both occurred but there was something to be said about the way I was able to react to it.

I started the week going to what at that time I thought would be my last archery fitness session. I cried the whole way there, overcome by feelings of loss and loneliness, but managed to put everything together before I arrived. It was a small and relatively quiet session and afterwards we went to the bar nearby and had dinner together. Talking more generally about archery as a sport for women. It was during these discussions that I was once again overcome with a loss, particularly a loss for the community and resources associated to archery that I would no longer have access to in the States. Archery has become very special to me and I spent most of the week frustrated at the way in which I would need to start over back home.

I stayed up most of the night that night preparing the final update for role playing society. During this session, everyone got an opportunity to discuss their character and plot that was going on but may not have been relevant to everyone. It is always a bit of a long and wield-y affair, but worthwhile. This became the first of many moments of good bye (but then it turned out I would see a good chunk of these people throughout the week anyway). I was not overtly sad, but rather sombre, and subdued throughout the evening. When I returned to my flat, I spent a few moments, just sitting outside, rationalizing to myself the situation.

Wednesday was yet another fair well ceremony as the final archery social came and went. At this point, however, I had lost the feelings of sadness for one of detached numbness (not good) but I found it difficult to feel. I still enjoyed being around everyone in a way, but I could tell that my perspective had switched.

Thursday was a welcome distraction as I went to visit people I was not saying good bye to yet and just enjoying an afternoon of board games and company. They day flew by to quickly and it was a nice opportunity to hold my head above the water and no longer anticipate my leaving. Of course that evening following my last university archery session, I had to say more good byes and the numbness returned in full.

Friday I made an effort to distract myself yet again and was pleasantly surprised to see most of the role playing society again. I went to a concert to see The Mechanisms, a really interesting band which integrates sci-fi fantasy story telling and music. One of the singers is a member of role playing society and I got to meet him over the last society game. The stories are often twists on old mythologies in a futuristic sci-fi way. It was a great show and I really enjoyed it.

Saturday was about "official" good byes from the college. There was a valedictory service which was all dressed up facade of a good bye that an institution can give. It was short, thankfully, and this allowed me to spend the rest of the evening with a variety of different people, from walking in the park and getting ice cream to spending all night wandering cornmarket just chatting. It seemed that as the week went on, I became more and more capable of distracting myself.

Sunday was my final archery competition in the UK. I shot a Bristol II which is 6 dozen arrows at 60yds, 4 dozen arrows at 50yds and 2 dozen arrows at 40 yds. I was exhausted from the night before and also ended up volunteering to arrive early and set up. But I managed to hold it together throughout the day and shot a fairly good score of 1001/1294. Only 36 of my arrows being outside the 7 ring. I was pleased with myself and given that the competition was small, I very easily acquired a gold medal. Additionally, I shot my third first class score which means that I am eligible to purchase a first class badge demonstrating my ranking as a first class archer. Hopefully this will be coming in the mail soon. As the day wore on, however, I found myself less and less able to present a façade of happy contentment. Rather, I struggled to look anything but exhausted and depressed. The night ended with yet another hard good bye.

The hardest part about this process was not saying good bye to all of the people, what I thought would be the hardest part, but rather about contextualizing this experience within my life. I have spent a year here in the UK and it is still very much present for me. However, I know from past experience, that when the present becomes a memory, it no longer feels as real. Memory distorts itself. I loved this experience as it was in this present moment, but the present is so fleeting that I mourn the loss of its reality. I know that in a month or two this memory will have grown stale, less engaging and I will move on with my life. Hopefully I can keep some of it alive by staying in touch with people, but it will never feel as it did. I mourn the fact that I can never recapture it, that any misguided belief that I could recapture is just that, misguided. Even if I came back here, it wouldn't be the same. People move on, people grow and change. It is both wonderful and also the reason that despite everything, coming back here would not solve the problem. You can't fight change, you can't fight entropy, you can only remember and learn and mourn it.

This week I will remain around Oxford and do those last minute things and say my last minute good bye before returning home. The freight train that is reality is speeding towards me and I feel numb and lost. I try to enjoy what I have left, but I feel less capable of living in the present, than I ever have. I'm sorry that this last blog post is less than enthusiastic or joyful, but it is the real me, as I have always given it. Until next time,

Adventures Await.

KH

Clubbing and Competitions

During this week, I have done my best not to look ahead at the looming end date of my adventure. Though I find myself, largely as I walk home alone from another magnificent night out with friends either through RPGsoc, archery or other, unable to dwell on anything else. I'm pretty sure that it affected my ability to sleep. But there is little more that I can do, but enjoy the time I have left. This week ahead will likely be full of good byes and hopefully, more prominently, celebrations of my time here.

My week began with RPGsoc. It was the last turn before the end of the game and I would say, I had the most fun playing NPCs this turn. It was a bit stressful as a large chunk of the GM team had exams leaving most of the work to only about 3 of us, but through our collective strength, we managed to pull things together and complete the necessary work. I have to say that being a GM for something like the society game is a good exercise of career necessary skills, working on a deadline, getting out a large project, coordinating and problem solving as a team, and coming up with creative solutions. I have found it rewarding for so many reasons and am still glad that I made the decision.

After the game that evening, I went out Goth clubbing with some friends from RPGsoc. I had promised them that I would go the month before and I happily went this evening, though forgetting too late to change my shoes to something more sensible. The night was a fun opportunity to grow closer to fellow member so f RPGsoc, reminding me that I should have gotten more involved sooner. I can only hope that the friends I have made will be able to be maintained as I continue forward with my life in the States.

Wednesday was the day of my last tutorial here in Oxford. It went well and was very similar to all my other tutorials. I am not someone who gets very stressed about tutorials in tutorial and can usually navigate instruction with ease. I appreciated the opportunity to investigate economics from a social side and try something new on for a change. Though I am definitely a scientist...no question about that.

I also got to go to a board game cafe in Oxford with some friends from RPGsoc. It was a really fun experience and reminded me that Gencon is just around the corner and I have a character that I am looking forward to playing. The games also reminded me of my family and the various games that my dad and uncle play on the weekends. With father's day come and past, I just wanted to say that I love my father and that he has been the best role model and care taker a girl could as for. From giant bear hugs to introducing me to gaming and role playing, he has given me everything and more. I hope he had a great father's day and I can't wait to give him a bear hug of my own when I return.

The remainder of my week was preparing for this past weekend, the national tournament of BUCS. During my training, I undid and messed around with a few things, which may not have been the best use of my time but was ultimately necessary. I also fell through a chair and sliced up my leg pretty bad. It is fine now, but not exactly fun. It seemed that for BUCS most of the archery team was going to be a bit bandaged up, as many of us had injuries of one kind or another, which included illness. (I have finally gotten over my cold).

We left for BUCS on friday nights, meaning I had to miss the last GM meeting of the term, and spent the next two nights camping at the fields at Lilleshall. Lilleshall is the training grounds for many of the National teams that go to Olympics and other international competitions, one of the archers on our team spends a lot of time there.  The place is pretty expansive with plenty of fields for various game pitches. A lot of other teams also set up camp sites for the night. I borrowed a lot of my camping gear (as most of my camping gear is in the states), but was happy to help everyone set up. There was something about seeing the circle of tents that reminded me of the camping trips that my family usually goes on every year. I felt a certain amount of joy and nostalgia. It was late on friday and so most of us showered and went to bed to get ready for an early morning the next day.

Unfortunately, I could not sleep. Between the bruising around the scrape on my leg and the hard ground (of which I just could not get comfortable despite having a mat and a sleeping bag, and the chill that set in in the night, I had not hope of getting a good nights sleep. I got up around 6 am and got ready, hoping to overcome this set back and shoot well for the day. The field that we shot on was huge and it is impressive seeing 76 bosses set out in a line across the field. Safe to say there were lots of archers (nearly 300). I set up near the novice ladies side and warmed up and hoped for the best. The shoot was long in the morning, with a lot of delays. During practice I shot really well. I had one end in which one arrow was smack dab in the centre, kiling the X/spider, and a second arrow right beside it in the X....but unfortunately, practice just doesn't count. I was shooting about average for the first distance, but at least it was sunny. The second distance was horrendous. I wanted to shoot so much better and as a team we were slowly dropping in the ranks. It was clear to me that all my pride was likely going to bite me in the ass. We stopped for lunch around 2pm, feeling very exhausted but trying to remain cheery, we continued on with the next two distances. This is when things picked up. I don't know what it was, because the bosses being closer, could not have accounted for it, but I shot much better for the rest of the day. Around 4 pm, it rained, but I was prepared and given how sunny it had been, it wasn't all that bad. It turned out that of the novices, I was the only one that really recovered from the morning. As a result, our team came 5th over all and I also came 5th over all. I was disappointed not to place, but 5th is pretty good. my final score was 1026 which is a new personal best though not what I was hoping for. It will never be what I'm hoping for.

The experienced team did well, despite the injuries and came out first, with Charlie winning 2nd and 1st  (individual and team respectively). So I guess I should be proud for the team. Something I have learned about archery, is that I am a little bit addicted. I will shoot and end and agree with myself that I should stop and take a break, but then as I walk up to the face and see my score, I immediately reconsider either thinking "I can't end on this, I can shoot better than this" or "That was really good, I better shoot again and solidify my technique"...what can I say, I seem to love this sport. We turned in for an early night and I crashed hard sleeping much more peacefully and longer than before.

The next day was a 720, 6 dozen arrows at 70 m (longer than any novice lady has to shoot in any round, everyone shot the same round). At this point, I didn't care about how I did. I just shot and when that happens, I find I shoot well. I got progressively better with each dozen having one really good end in there. Overall the women experienced and novice that remained (49), I cam in 26th. I am kinda proud of that. These rankings were used to pair everyone up for the head to heads which would also be shot at 70 m in ends of 3. Since I was ranked in the top half, my first round was against a lower seed, and ironically, the same fellow novice lady that I had shot with that morning and at BUTTS and next to the day before. You certainly get to know all of the archers from other universities, pretty quickly as you end up seeing them quite a lot. I maintained my rank and won the match, the first head to head that I have ever won! The next round, I was against the 7th seed. This was the first time that I had shot a head to head against someone with a higher seed, I lost the one at the isle of man. I find that when I am the higher rank, I get more nervous, because I feel the pressure to perform and maintain my rank. When I am the lower seed however, the beast of competition comes out and I shoot much better. In fact, in a 3 arrow end at 70 m I shot a 28, two 10s and an 8. I took her to an extra round as a result, but unfortunately, I couldn't repeat the process and still lost. The rest of the day, we watched each of our archers struggle to maintain rank as the weariness of the weekend overcame us. Still it was fun and a nice opportunity to spend time with everyone. We returned back to Oxford getting back late, around 11:30pm.

I really love tournaments. I love the opportunity to shoot with people who love the sport as much as I do. I also like spending time with this team which has grown so close to my heart. No matter how I do, I enjoy getting to be around. This week ahead of me is full of good byes. Good byes that will break my heart. I will be around the following week, but anyone who is here for Uni will likely be going home. With no more tutorials, the only thing I can do is make the most of the time I have left and begin preparations for my flight home. I hope that everyone I have met here knows just how special they have made this experience for me and how much I despise the transient nature of the student life style. I will be back next week, likely heart broken to tell you of all the wonderful moments that I had. Until Next Time.

~KH

PS. Hair from Garden Party

To Cherish

I know it hasn't been long since I blogged, but in an effort to return to the weekend schedule, particularly as this term draws to a close, I am blogging today.

This week from Wednesday was continued depression. I couldn't get myself to do anything, feeling more inspired to lay in bed all day than to do anything of worth with my life. I tried to work out and failed. I had no assignments, so why even bother? I also was a bit ill with a cold that made sleep less peaceful. And I couldn't help but feel a little abandoned. I don't know whether consciously or subconsciously, but others as well as I were drawing away from each other. The recognition that this experience was almost over meant that people were prematurely separating themselves from me (or at least this is how it felt). At the same time, I wondered why I should even bother to engage and I was overcome with this overwhelming feeling that this year wasn't "real" in the sense that it was a dream that I got to enjoy, but I would have to go back and wake up from it. This is of course absurd but I was struggling to find a place for this year in the larger framework of my life. It was stressing me out and making me more wary of any interactions I might have. I felt myself try to disengage.

This friday was the first friday in a long time that I got to go to formal, and all of these fears were made manifest as the individuals that I had spent very little time maintaining connections to were some of my only companions. I felt myself completely disengage and decided to go to bed early. During the week at archery, I was back to my old tricks. Something was wrong and I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I'm a scientist, which means I run tests and after testing all week and making little progress, I was more than adequately frustrated. This is of course after I had been given a new toy for my bow...a more complex stabilization system. There was the voice in the back of my mind that kept saying that I needed to figure out what was wrong because nationals were just around the corner. My perseverance has paid off some as I spent yesterday largely starting again at square one.

Saturday was a bit double booked. I had the Garden Party for archery and the GM meeting for RPGsoc in the evening. Fortunately, I could go to most of former before needing to be at the latter. I was also hired to make flapjacks (of various flavours) for the event and as a result had spent the previous days making some 7 batches of flapjacks. They were as usual a hit and I was really glad that I could contribute. It was really nice spending time with everyone. I had a lot of fun at Garden party and was once again pleased at the opportunity to dress up a bit.

My mood perked up, however, around Sunday. Sunday was the day I finally managed to jog again. Sunday was the day that the weather was amazing and Sunday was the day that I finally made some progress shooting. Of course I have a pretty nasty burn on my back as a consequence (totally forgot to put sunscreen there...ow). That said, I feel myself more ready to jump out of bed and start the day and I am happy. The memories of the time last term when I had sorted through almost everything in my life returned.

I can't say that I am looking forward to going home. I look forward to seeing my family, going to a concert with my sister, going camping, writing medical school applications (ha!), and going to Gencon and seeing another group of people who I don't get to see often enough. I don't look forward to leaving this experience. I don't look forward to saying good bye and I don't look forward to feeling like this experience was nothing more than a dream. I am going to spend the next few weeks working on ways to incorporate this experience, to make it feel more real...expect a happy blog post next week about how I won (or placed) at BUCS outdoors (I'm not cocky at all!). Until Next time.

Adventures Await

KH

Coming to a Close

So this blog post is extremely delayed and that is because weekends are the worst time for me now. From roughly Friday at noon to Wednesday morning I am booked solid with either Archery or Role playing society. I'm not complaining. I like being busy. It just means that finding the time to write a blog post is a little difficult.

Last week was about getting used to a new routine. I had my second to last tutorial which went better than expected and I found that outside of archery and role playing society, I had nothing more that I needed to do. This is probably for the best, as both keep me rather busy. The Friday to Wednesday business is very much limited to this span of time and there is no way to work ahead, leaving my Wednesday afternoon to Friday at noon very very free.

For role playing society I write between 15000-20000 words of creative writing outlining and explaining how successful characters are. We normally have from Friday evening (when we meet to discuss the outcome of all the actions and assign particular actions to particular GMs) to around Tuesday afternoon. I really enjoy doing it and I don't mind the excessive amount of writing. Not to mention, it provides me with a creative outlet that I have clearly been lacking for most of the year. I can't prepare in advance for this level of commitment either, as I can't write anything until the action has been discussed and the outcome predetermined. So it is not like I can ever get ahead and instead am forced to concentrate my efforts during this time.

For archery, the weekend is the prime time for tournaments. I either have one or two tournaments a weekend and in either case, the tournament is a whole day affair. So when this overlaps with the period of time I have for role playing society, there just isn't time to think about or do anything else. But I must stress I enjoy being busy and there is something fulfilling about having so much to do. Also, I have found it a bit therapeutic.

Another thing happened last week that really brought my mood to a low. The head advisor to the study abroad program that I am in from my home institution of William Jewell College was in Oxford for a visit last week. I had contacted him in advance regarding recommendations and through our discussions, had arranged to meet up, along with the fellow William Jewell students during his time in Oxford. As we sat in Greene's cafe, a cafe just outside of Regent's Park, and began discussing our year at Oxford, I was struck by the finality of it all. He informed us of the upcoming changes to the program and the initiatives that they were starting. He spoke of next year and the types of comprehensive exams we would be facing. We spoke as though this chapter in our life was already done. As I left to go to archery, I was overcome by the finality of everything. It wouldn't help that over the course of that week I was struggling with another sense of identity.

If I were to describe my time here at Oxford, there is a surreal element that is hard to place. It is as though my mind created a divide between my life in the states and my life here. My life here was completely my own. I was dropped in a new situation and I adapted. I learned to navigate and I made decisions that altered the experience I had, tailored it to my needs and desires of the time. As a result, this experience feels like it is my own. I have an overwhelming sense of ownership to this life and when I think back to my life in the states, I feel a surprising lack of ownership. I chose many aspects of my life back home, but there was always the sense that it was some kind of expected chain of events, its was normalized, it was not mine, but ours? I could be speaking nonsense here, but it made it really difficult to imagine what life would be like back in the states, as if my life before didn't exist, or that life was not true existence. I have felt more fulfilled in my time here at Oxford, and I don't think it is because it is foreign or the UK is in some way objectively better, but because the life I have chosen here has been unabashedly my own. I had no assumptions about how life in Oxford was supposed to work. Any advice I had received before hand was not useful because I couldn't conceive of how to incorporate it because I had not conception of how life here was going to work. Instead...this was a life I had to figure out and stumble through. I have felt and still feel that my time here in Oxford has been more living and thriving than I have allowed myself in the States. So what I have been struggling with in the last week, is upon realizing this...how do I make a change? How do I adapt to this new jarring experience of going back. Will I let this fade into a memory and return to not-living? Or will I try to incorporate this into myself and continue to Live? How much of this is my choice and how much of this is determined? So as you can see, a very tumultuous and thoughtful week.

On the less esoteric side, I shot the Diana competition this past weekend. It was an Albion which was a distance level up from the type of shoots I did the weekend prior. this meant that I shot at 80 yds (My longest distance yet), 60 yds, and 50 yds. No female Novice has ever shot an Albion in competition at Oxford thus far and as a result, I got to break a record, just by attending the shoot. I was still, however, endeavouring to make that record a hard one to break by shooting an impressively high score. Unfortunately, whether it was the full day of shooting the day before or my own tendency to develop bad habits, but I didn't shoot particularly well that day. It was a beautiful day and it actually got what I would consider to be hot. 80 yds wasn't as bad as it could have been, but I did the worst at 60 yds that I have ever done. I was certainly disappointed in myself, I would be a fool not to admit it, but that is another thing about archery that I like. Archery is as much a mental challenge as a physical one. You can be strong and you can know what you are doing, but if your mind isn't in the game or if you let yourself be affected by the bad shots, then you aren't going to shoot well. To be good at Archery, you need to be able to respond to stress and failure in a positive way, you need to be able to move on with the bad shots and learn from them. It is ok to make mistakes, because no one is perfect, as long as you can learn from them. It is frustrating, yes, and it is easy to make excuses, the weather was bad, or my body wasn't in peak physical conditions, but in engaging with struggle and remaining competitive with yourself, you develop a mindset of improvement. It makes you want to be resilient, strong and wilful. To improve in archery is to improve yourself. The next big competition is BUCS outdoors and it is a two day national tournament. From showings in the competition thus far, I have the potential to win or at least place very highly. In order to do that, I can't let competition get to me, and I have to practice, practice, practice. So that is what I plan to do.

I'm sorry that this blog post has been a bit scattered. I will admit to being a bit scattered this morning. The last week of my life has been a re-examining of the inner consciousness. Each opportunity to evaluate and re-evaluate allows me to learn about myself. Sometimes I feel the need to use this blog to set those thoughts into writing and to force myself to string together those thoughts that are hovering right above the surface. Until Next Time.

Adventures Await!

KH