Monday, January 26, 2015

Peculiar Loneliness

Its been a long time. I know. I have found that this blog which holds the records of an amazing experience and journey served another purpose that I have not had need of for awhile. Sometimes, an idea gets ringing around in my head. It is an idea or concept that I feel has no proper forum. It is often too complex or concerning for a status update and too concrete for poetry or creative writing. They have often been bouncing around in my head for a few days and in particular, they make it difficult to think about other things. It is as though they beg to be put to words. In this way, I can release them and move on with my life.

The last few months have been a roller-coaster and as my final semester of my senior year had come upon me, I was concerned that I had made no progress in my emotional and physical stability since I returned from England. I was cutting free of my own distractions, and they were distractions that I ultimately saw as hindering my progress to moving on to the next phase of my life. I was also struck with the shaken realization that my own confidence about my future was hubris and that to some degree I need to accept uncertainty and plan for more contingencies. I do have an interview for Medical School in February and I am optimistic but cautious. So faced with the same feelings of listlessness that followed me last July, I was worried about my ability to adjust. I could feel myself still rigidly clinging to another life. I haven't necessarily solved that problem.

Fortunately, my classes this semester should bring greater fulfillment. I am excited for all of them and confident that it will be far more engaging. This has certainly leveled out my mood and makes me more excited for the coming days. Additionally, I do have plane tickets for a holiday back to Oxford. I will certainly write about how my return has coloured my former year abroad and anything else I may learn. Until then, the countdown to that trip and my graduation begin.

Now that I've caught everyone up, for the most part, I'll draw on the concept that has been rolling around in my head. I watched a Ted talk the other day about altruism. I honestly think that a certain degree of altruism and selflessness, service to others, helps one to be more happy. So in response to this, I decided to follow one of his suggestions and try compassion meditation. A quick rundown of compassion meditation. You begin by relaxing your body. Then you start with yourself and think about the happiness and wellness that you wish for yourself. Then you meditation on all your friends and close friends and wish them the same. Then your acquaintances. Then your friends of friends. Then those communities which you know of. Finally ending with well wishes for all those in every cardinal direction.

 In doing this, I meditated on everyone I knew that I considered a close friend or acquaintance and I marveled for a moment at the shear number of people that I care about. There are so many people that I wish well and know well. There are so many people that I want to and hope that I support. But this realization hit an point of conflict within myself. If I have so many amazing people in my life, why is it that I feel lonely. Why is it that I feel like I have fewer close friends than I want?

My instinct led me to examine who I had included on the list and I realized that about half, maybe a bit less, were long distance of one form or another. I still felt like I had meaningful relationships with all of them, but our relationships were on hold or limited. Every so often, I felt myself staring at my Facebook messenger hoping that one or more of those people would be available to talk. This has left me with a peculiar sort of loneliness. I don't feel antisocial and I don't lack in friends. But I still feel lonely.

I'm sure many people can commiserate with this feeling. As I try to dissect what is necessary for what feels like a complete relationship, and what it is that makes physical proximity so vital for relationship, I felt the need to describe this peculiar loneliness in some way. I hope in some ways I can make peace and wait for the time when some of that friendship is no longer long distance, but I foresee only more in the future. I have thought much about the way convenience rules our lives, limits our capabilities and dictates the communities that we can be apart of. Inconvenience has its cost and I hope at some point I will find a way to manage it.

Until Next Time,
Adventures Await,

KH

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