Family

I was hoping that after nearly a month of being home, I would be able to report a feeling of accomplishment and overcoming the deep heartrending mourning to my life in Oxford. But that is far from the truth. Over the last couple weeks, I have struggled with the question of what I want in life. Unfortunately, I have come up with few answers and while I manage to put on a facade of calm, I shatter at any moment.

I feel guilty when I see the look of disappointment in my friend's and relative's eyes whenever I mention the struggles I had during my travels in Europe. Frustrated at my lack of gratitude at the opportunity to see places they have never been, may never be able to go. It makes me want to hide my honesty, and frustrated in myself for not enjoying and being humbled by the experience. It makes me feel as though people don't understand the difficulties I encountered, and reminds me that I held similar assumptions about what an adventure through Europe would be. My heart drops whenever I see the heart break in my parents eyes every time I mention my unhappiness at being home and my desire to have the life I had in Oxford. It makes me feel spoiled, like a brat. Oxford was always meant to be temporary. And now I'm complaining and pouting about it like a child. This is a first world problem, my life at home is perfectly comfortable, with more things than I probably need, food, shelter, a family that loves me. Why should I feel dissatisfied and by feeling dissatisfied does that make me a greedy and selfish first world brat who can't recognize their own privilege. It feels as though the appropriate response is to move on, to smile and to look back with fondness and be grateful.

I am grateful. I am grateful for every moment good or bad that I got to experience. Maybe I'm not expressing it well enough. I am humbled by the opportunity, but in doing it once, I am reminded that the barriers for travelling abroad are not as huge as people assume it is. But I can't seem to move on. The last few weeks, I have been preparing for medical school applications. When I really and honestly looked at myself and tried to answer the essay question about why I wanted to go to medical school, I found a self-doubt that had not been there before. At first I tried to hide it and the result was mechanical and artificial. Then my aunt, who was my editor and a frequent reader of my blog, tried to showcase it, a decision I fought initially out of fear. For a moment, I thought I could feel pride in my doubt, in being human, but then the appropriateness of it was questioned and I was back at square one. These months have taught me that no one wants to see your pain and your struggle. I don't blame them. I wish I didn't have it either. I rationally want these feelings to go away, to remain resolute once again. I want to stop feeling like a problem and a burden. I want to feel grateful and humble. But when I can't just will the emotions away, when I can't stop feeling the way I am feeling, it only feeds into that self doubt, that self-hatred. So each week, rather than getting stronger, I feel myself getting weaker and guiltier as I see the people around me get fed up in dealing with me.

I spent the last week of my life on the annual family camping trip. In the past, this tradition has always been one of my favourites. Each year, a good majority of my mother's side of the family between 14-18 people all go camping at a different location around the US (and sometimes Canada). I have seen so much of the US in the 10 years that I have been allowed to go. Since there are so many people, the trip is fairly structured with an itinerary of events and most meals planned out well in advance. Now one of the things about home that I have struggled with is the lack of people, so I was optimistic to see a large portion of my family that I had not seen for over a year and to be surrounded by so many people. This year we went it Chattanooga TN, a beautiful location along the TN river near the border of Georgia  and nestled between some of the mountains of the Appalachian. I was immediately optimistic when we rounded the corner and I was reminded what a natural location the city had and was reminded that I never did get to go hiking like I had wanted to. Going abroad really has given me a greater appreciation for the beauty in my own country.

The first full day was relatively low key. We went to the farmers market and I wasn't all that impressed. It wasn't as large as they touted and there wasn't much worth looking at. The live swing music was probably the best part. I did manage to find a jeweler who made really fascinating Jewelry and ended up coming home with a bracelet. The second day, we went to the aquarium and then had a walking tour of the city of Chattanooga. I started this day in a bad mood. I was in the wrong head space to enjoy an aquarium or anything. I wanted to sulk. I was frustrated by selfishness I had displayed that morning and the reminder that my behavior was inappropriate for an adult. I walked passively through all the displays of fish, and other than noticing the impressive design of the place, was not all that wowed. I'd managed to cheer up after lunch a little, by means I'm not particularly proud of. The walking tour gave me the chance to appreciate the city of Chattanooga which has in recent years become a very artsy city and with its natural hilly nature, an active city as well. I couldn't help but think that such qualities were ones I desired in wherever I settled down in the future.

Tuesday, I was really excited. It was the day when we were going to be on a mountain and I was anticipating some natural climbing and hiking. Could I not have been more wrong. While I did get to see beautiful views, some of which supposedly stretched 7 states, the whole experience was artificial and touristy. Rock City, the main attraction was little more than a park, with paved pathways and no freedom to explore. Not to mention the hokey gnomes and artificial Mother Goose cave. I was disheartened by the whole experience and in an effort to cheer up my active spirit my mom made the promise to try the next day to do something more active. Which we did. The unscheduled day that we always have on Wednesday was my favourite day of the whole trip. Usually, I go to see a summer blockbuster with my dad, but this year, I went rock climbing with my mom and uncle before going to the Hunter art museum. Both experiences were fun and I really enjoyed the company, something I haven't really had in awhile. We even got my uncle to rock climb with us and the ache in my muscles the next day made me smile. The museum was also loads of fun and well designed. The experience reminded me of the time I'd been to the Chicago art museum with my uncle.

Thursday we went to the Jack Daniels distillery followed by an afternoon at the nearby tiny town, which was an experience, but not a particularly memorable one. The distillation process and steps were all very interesting and it was a pretty good tour for being a free one. The nearby town, which amounted to one stop light and a square was not really worth visiting, given that the three things that were sold were Jack Daniels memorabilia, Confederate Memorabilia, and Biker gear. None of the demographics I particularly fall into. It was also a longer drive than anticipated, and I wasn't to pleased by the passivity. There are others though, who found it quite enjoyable and so I am happy to have gone.

Friday was our final day and we went on a river cruise. Now I don't know how my uncle managed it, but we were on the yacht which was beautiful all by ourselves. The captain didn't need to speak on teh loud speaker but instead sat in the bar with my family and talked about the area. I took the opportunity for some alone time as I found myself desiring more and more solitude as the week went on. I read on the front of the boat, enjoying the sun and the nice breeze that came off the front of the boat.  I enjoyed myself and the really nice boat. The rest of the afternoon, we spent at camp before going out to dinner. Everyone was packing and getting ready to leave the next day, and I found some relief at the idea of going home. Dinner was a Mongolian restaurant that was fairly good.

By the end of the week, I felt more stressed than when I had left, something I didn't think was possible, and to top it all off, when I did return home, I found I couldn't relax. Instead I felt anxiety. I tried to go to sleep early, but instead I found I couldn't really sleep. Which brings us to this moment now, where I got up and decided that the best thing to do was blog. Putting feelings to words allows me to look at them objectively, separate myself from those feelings that are burdening me. It doesn't mean they go away. Once again, I feel I should apologize for my honesty. I know people don't want to read the ramblings of a child, and many probably think that this honesty is better left to a private diary, but I've never been one to shy away from truth. Or fear exposure. I will keep trying, which is all I can do. Fortunately, Gencon is just on the horizon to distract me. I have a lot of costume pieces to put together, but I am excited for it. And excitement has been a difficult thing to muster lately. Until next time.

~KH

Reflection: Keeping it Alive

So it has been over a full week since I've been home and I would say that I have settled in and to some degree gotten over emotionally the loss of the life I had in Oxford. I want to speak to some of the things that I felt and the thoughts I have had about this past 9-10 months and to the things I have done since I got home.

My time in oxford was all about self-discovery. I think that is what studying abroad is actually about, less to do with learning a new culture (to be fair you can do this online) and seeing new places (things are less significant to life than people) and more to do with introspection. I tried to be self aware through the whole process and about half way through I reached what I would call happiness. I began to understand that I as a person had always been looking forward. I oriented my life towards a nebulous goal, to the next step in my journey, a future that I hoped would be better than my present, because I was under the assumption that as a young person, I was still building a life, not living it. During my time at Oxford I was given the time to settle down, to build a life that was all my own. My perspective began to turn towards the now instead of the future. For once in my life I relished the moment and made decisions for the present moment with little concern for my future. In doing so, I put the future I had imagined into perspective. THe future is unknown, uncertain and you can't despite your best efforts, predict it. The now is entirely in your control. You chose how you feel or think. You chose what you do on that day, who you spend your time with and what activities you devote yourself to. Living in the moment was all it took to make me happy. In the moment I could focus on those components that made me feel good about myself, such as exercise, competition, productivity, creativity, cooperation and company. I learned to thrive in a new environment with little structure or support and it felt good. I was really happy.

Coming home was like dying. That may seem a bit mellow dramatic, but hear me out. Everything I had built, everything I had been apart of, everything that made me happy and the structure necessary to participate in those things were suddenly gone. I came home to find the frame work that I had always had, the life I had had that was so future oriented. That told me that I had to prepare for Medical school, I had to anticipate some future event, because right now was only a stepping stone for tomorrow. My heart and mind revolted. I was a different person to some degree at home. This person wasn't happy. This person was too focused on the future and forgot how to live in the present. Each moment in this person's life was agony. This person didn't have any of the structure that was necessary to go to an archery range, to exercise regularly, to see people that mattered to me (other than my family, the one exception of course). I became moody and angry. This life had been all about distractions. Video games, television, projects, books, everything in an effort to distract myself so that tomorrow would come faster. Probably the hardest part, it was extremely isolating. Other than my family, only one or two other people were close enough to visit, I had gotten used to being surrounded by people, people I enjoyed getting to know and spending time with. I felt so alone. I began to resent the future that I had made for myself. That distant goal that was in many ways nebulous and uncertain. For the first time in my life I felt true doubt at the direction I was going and the things that I wanted. It was easy when the present wasn't demanding your attention to live floating towards future, but now the present was a blaring red sign that said, you are not happy, why are you here, the decisions you have made in your life is wrong.

But here is another aspect of life that brings me some relief and some trepidation. To some degree, you can't control how you feel. Your body doesn't like being under stress and I knew from experience that eventually my feelings will change. I will feel differently. This pain will be a memory, a distorted one at that, and I will move forward with my life. This thought makes me sad though even now. Because I have realized that the thing I want from this experience most of all is significance. I want my year abroad to be significant and a part of me that shows. I don't want to move on or past this experience. I don't want it to fade away. I want it to remain alive, because this experience brought me a lot of joy. So that is my next endeavor. To keep this experience alive, I'm just not entirely sure how. I used to be someone who always had an answer, even if I didn't "know", I had an educated guess. I don't have any answers or any clue how to move forward. I feel lost and conflicted. I suppose that is what life is about, struggle.

So despite all of my moodiness, my last week has been very busy. The day after I came home, my father, sisters, my sister's roommate, and I went downtown to watch the World Cup USA-Belgium match. One of the streets downtown had been closed off and three large screens were put in view of the street so people could watch. As we walked around downtown (my dad works there), I was surprised that I actually found the buildings downtown pretty. Sure they were more spread apart but there were a lot of interesting architectural buildings and beautiful parks and everything that I could have found in Oxford. I was mainly surprised because I thought Europe would have ruined my sense of architectural beauty in the US. We are a young country. I fully acknowledge that and Oxford is a beautiful city, but as I walked down the city street towards the game, I couldn't help but think, my home town is beautiful too. The game itself was a bit of a wash. Not because we lost, football is an exciting sport to watch, but it was too crowded and people were smoking and blowing ash in my face. It was nice to get out, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have.

Two days later, my sister and I went to the Vans Warped Tour concert festival for the day to see our long time favourite band, Anberlin, perform on their last tour before retiring. It was the first time I had been to Vans but it was lots of fun. There were 7 stages with tons of music of the Rock, Alternative, Indie, Rap, Metal, Electronica genera. We saw lots of great bands and most importantly Anberlin. It has taken me 7 years to see them in concert. I have made many attempts but something has always come up. It was great. I knew all the songs and was in the second row. They sounded as good live as they do in recording. At the end of their set, they went to their booth to sign things and meet people. I raced with my sister to get in line and we got the shirts we had bought earlier signed by the whole band. I also got to shake each of their hands. It was great! We went home a bit after that, a bit worn from the day, but overall it was good.

The next day was the Fourth of July and that was a day of some conflict. I found it difficult to be patriotic when I was missing being in the UK. Once again I would like to stress that I don't necessarily find the UK to be better than or superior to the US. I do like some aspects of the US. I was missing the life I made and the people I met, not the country itself. My family went downtown to watch the fireworks and it was a nice night. The firework show was pretty standard and I enjoyed once again being at a public event. But it did give me time to reflect on what it means to be patriotic. Even I found some of the patriotism a bit over the top. I definitely think that I am more globally oriented. Still it was nice to spend time with family.

The rest of my week was running errands and preparing the many things that I needed to get done this summer. It feels nice to be productive but I also occasionally feel cooped up and can sense myself waiting or just wanting to distract myself for a tomorrow. I still find it difficult to enjoy the day. Fortunately, I have been keeping in touch with some people from the UK and that has made this transition easier. I feel less like I'm losing that life all together and more like it is still there waiting for me, I just hope that I can come back. At the request of some people, I will probably still post to this blog every once in awhile, though my life is likely to be less exciting. Where it was once a way to keep in touch with people in the US, it will now be a life line to the people in the UK who have become my close friends and family. So until next time,

Adventures Await

KH