Moving

I feel so unsettled and stressed. The last week has been largely a blur as I watched the last days and hours of my holiday tick by. I tried to make the most of every moment with the people I loved and cared for, but it was difficult to enjoy those moments when I was anticipating the worst. I'm mostly recovered and less prone to spontaneous tears, but with Medical school staring me down, I am overwhelmed.

The last wednesday before I flew home was a bit of a party. A large number of people came over to the house for a cookout. We played games of werewolf where my character died within the first round, and more giant mothertrucking space crabs. It was nice to spend time with people and the burgers and sausages on the grill were delicious. I didn't mind playing partial hostess though nothing compared to Graeme and Jenny. There was a weird sense of displacement though throughout the day. I couldn't help but feel both present and absent. The awareness of my own impending departure dis-incentivized me from being overly social. The burden of it all made me retreat into easy distractions like the games on my phone or the passive watching of people play Rock Band. The acceptance of my leaving Oxford made it difficult for me to live in the moment because the moment was so painful.

On my last day in Oxford, the boiler was being repaired. Without water, there wasn't much that could be done and so I felt anxious. Packing was difficult and I took every opportunity to shorten the distance between the people who had been so gracious to let me stay in their home for a month and who made me feel so at home. I didn't sleep much that night as I had to catch a very early bus the next morning at 6:30am. I blubbered at the bus stop with my boyfriend until the bus whisked me away from my home in order to begin a 22 hour stressful trip to Indianapolis.

Nothing extremely bad happened during my journey but a number of things almost happened. I was very tired when I arrived at Gatwick and I nearly left my passport on the bus. The bus drivers didn't help me feel better about it when I explained frantically why I had stopped the bus just as it had closed its doors. I got through security rather quickly and had to kill a couple hours before my flight to Dublin. Once in Dublin, I actually went through customs and was surprised how many times I had to go through security. The flight over the atlantic wasn't bad and the food was actually edible. They served a chicken tikka masala dish that was actually enjoyable. I spent most of the flight watching movies as I found it difficult to sleep too much. With very little sleep, I reached chicago and had a very stressful set back. My flight from Chicago to Indy was booked separately from my flight from London to Chicago. As a result, I had to collect my checked bag and recheck it before I could get on. I had around two hours before my next flight which I figured would be plenty of time. However, some person had too large a bag and the conveyor belt was clogged for easily an hour. Fortunately, other than being stressed and anxious about it, I made it to my last flight with plenty of time to spare. I reached Indy around 10:45pm and slept most of the Chicago to Indy flight. Having had very little sleep, I expected to crash immediately upon hitting my bed, but that wasn't the case.

Since being back, I have sorted out most of my paperwork and made plans for the next week to get the remainder done. I have begun looking for apartments and generally being an adult. My wifi is too spotty to skype and I feel disconnected from my life. I've gained some emotionally stability, but my life feels on hold for the moment. I've tried to focus on when I can visit again and being productive. I found a new exercise routine to try and I'm excited to try and take control of my life in some ways. Before I know it, I will be training to be a doctor, a dream that I've had for nearly a decade. I'm just trying to figure out how to make things work, just like anyone I suppose.

Now this is the point where I would reflect on my trip as a whole, but I find such a venture difficult. The trip as a whole had so many flavor, so many changes and I can't help but leave feeling as though it was a half measure. It was a trial period for a life I ultimately don't get to chose. It was a quest and a challenge for my agency and I can't help but worry there was more I could have done. That in some way, I have failed. As I mentioned before, I will likely refrain from posting any more on this blog as it is my blog for Oxford. I hope that one day and one day soon I will have a reason to use this blog again as it means my life in Oxford is not gone and not over. Hopefully, Next time. Adventures Await.

~KH