I don't regret anything about my final week. Rather in growing close to them I was able to live entirely in this one crystallized moment. The week went by quickly. I didn't do much archery, as the arrangement with the university and local club had ended and I had no place to shoot for free. Instead, I hung out with friends, watched shows, and played video games. The stress of the week was getting to me, and my sleep schedule became more erratic and I slept a lot more than normal. This didn't help with the speed at which the week was going by.
At the end of the week, a few archery friends who were still around, finished their last exams and we celebrated together. All of us were on Novice squad. Novice squad was probably the best thing for the archery team. The bonds that we developed by spending so much time practising and competing in a sport we loved, made us very close. Friday evening was particularly hard. There is a point where we all sat in the hall singing songs, holding each other and weeping. I was overcome by not just the fear of never seeing them again, but also a dilemma.
Never had I ever questioned the path that I had decided for myself. Never had I ever felt like I was sacrificing something for my dreams or aspirations. Never had I ever been confronted with the workaholic ambition that has driven me to this point in my life. In this hallway, I looked forward and saw two paths, one in which I continued to go to medical school in the states, only to potentially return to Oxford once I was an established doctor, or one to go to medical school at Oxford and perhaps sacrifice my career potential to recapture my time here in Oxford. Of course both of these decisions would be delayed by a year, and many of the components of the life which had made me so happy here in Oxford, would not be the same in just a years time. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want this experience, this opportunity to fade into memory which is at best unreliable. I didn't want the bonds to fade or to become meaningless in the expanse of my life. As I sat their, holding hands with some of my best friends that I had made, I didn't see how either eventuality would preserve the elements of happiness in my life. No matter what I did, I felt like my joy would be fleeting and my happiness more so. I despised the prospect of starting again and again, rebuilding and losing, rebuilding and losing.
The next day, a large group of RPGsoc came out and celebrated my last weekend in Oxford. We went to the Thirsty Meeples board gaming cafe and played games for much of the afternoon, before heading to a pub for food, a second pub for drinks and finally seeing a movie. I also got to spend the morning at the Ashmolean (crossing off another thing on my list). I was so touched that so many people wanted to come out and play with me. It really confirmed the sense of community that I gained from this year and only served to provide another instance of loss and frustration at the prospect of building a new community for myself.
My final day in Oxford, I spent largely packing. When it came to that evening, I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to lose the remaining time I had left to unconsciousness. So the last night was spent wandering Oxford at night and pretending to be a tourist by taking those touristy photos at night. It was a good way to reflect on my time here and also to take the opportunity to capture Oxford at a time when people were more barren.
Getting little sleep, I left for my flight early this morning and it was not without its tear felt good byes. I figured that I could sleep on the plane and thus was not too bothered by the lack of sleep. But then, travelling is never easy. I had plenty of hassle through every security check point and customs seemed ill equipped to deal with a student who had spent a year abroad moving home. Fortunately I got through everything, but not without being over loaded with baggage fees. I did sleep on the flight, but it was far from restful. Many times during the process I was brought to the brink of tears. I didn't want to leave and travel was already making it hard.
Just as before, I was overcome by the familiarity of travelling in the US and was saddened as I already felt the image of Oxford fade, just a little. Safe to say I am exhausted and that there is little I want to do but sleep. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Expect a more extensive reflection once I have had time to process and sleep. To those I have left behind, I can not be anything but grateful for everything I have been given during this process. This has been a journey of a lifetime and I hope that it doesn't grow stale but instead remains an ever present part of myself. Until next time.
Adventures Await
KH
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