I wrote last week that this week would be a week of heart break, but also hopefully celebration. I would say both occurred but there was something to be said about the way I was able to react to it.
I started the week going to what at that time I thought would be my last archery fitness session. I cried the whole way there, overcome by feelings of loss and loneliness, but managed to put everything together before I arrived. It was a small and relatively quiet session and afterwards we went to the bar nearby and had dinner together. Talking more generally about archery as a sport for women. It was during these discussions that I was once again overcome with a loss, particularly a loss for the community and resources associated to archery that I would no longer have access to in the States. Archery has become very special to me and I spent most of the week frustrated at the way in which I would need to start over back home.
I stayed up most of the night that night preparing the final update for role playing society. During this session, everyone got an opportunity to discuss their character and plot that was going on but may not have been relevant to everyone. It is always a bit of a long and wield-y affair, but worthwhile. This became the first of many moments of good bye (but then it turned out I would see a good chunk of these people throughout the week anyway). I was not overtly sad, but rather sombre, and subdued throughout the evening. When I returned to my flat, I spent a few moments, just sitting outside, rationalizing to myself the situation.
Wednesday was yet another fair well ceremony as the final archery social came and went. At this point, however, I had lost the feelings of sadness for one of detached numbness (not good) but I found it difficult to feel. I still enjoyed being around everyone in a way, but I could tell that my perspective had switched.
Thursday was a welcome distraction as I went to visit people I was not saying good bye to yet and just enjoying an afternoon of board games and company. They day flew by to quickly and it was a nice opportunity to hold my head above the water and no longer anticipate my leaving. Of course that evening following my last university archery session, I had to say more good byes and the numbness returned in full.
Friday I made an effort to distract myself yet again and was pleasantly surprised to see most of the role playing society again. I went to a concert to see The Mechanisms, a really interesting band which integrates sci-fi fantasy story telling and music. One of the singers is a member of role playing society and I got to meet him over the last society game. The stories are often twists on old mythologies in a futuristic sci-fi way. It was a great show and I really enjoyed it.
Saturday was about "official" good byes from the college. There was a valedictory service which was all dressed up facade of a good bye that an institution can give. It was short, thankfully, and this allowed me to spend the rest of the evening with a variety of different people, from walking in the park and getting ice cream to spending all night wandering cornmarket just chatting. It seemed that as the week went on, I became more and more capable of distracting myself.
Sunday was my final archery competition in the UK. I shot a Bristol II which is 6 dozen arrows at 60yds, 4 dozen arrows at 50yds and 2 dozen arrows at 40 yds. I was exhausted from the night before and also ended up volunteering to arrive early and set up. But I managed to hold it together throughout the day and shot a fairly good score of 1001/1294. Only 36 of my arrows being outside the 7 ring. I was pleased with myself and given that the competition was small, I very easily acquired a gold medal. Additionally, I shot my third first class score which means that I am eligible to purchase a first class badge demonstrating my ranking as a first class archer. Hopefully this will be coming in the mail soon. As the day wore on, however, I found myself less and less able to present a façade of happy contentment. Rather, I struggled to look anything but exhausted and depressed. The night ended with yet another hard good bye.
The hardest part about this process was not saying good bye to all of the people, what I thought would be the hardest part, but rather about contextualizing this experience within my life. I have spent a year here in the UK and it is still very much present for me. However, I know from past experience, that when the present becomes a memory, it no longer feels as real. Memory distorts itself. I loved this experience as it was in this present moment, but the present is so fleeting that I mourn the loss of its reality. I know that in a month or two this memory will have grown stale, less engaging and I will move on with my life. Hopefully I can keep some of it alive by staying in touch with people, but it will never feel as it did. I mourn the fact that I can never recapture it, that any misguided belief that I could recapture is just that, misguided. Even if I came back here, it wouldn't be the same. People move on, people grow and change. It is both wonderful and also the reason that despite everything, coming back here would not solve the problem. You can't fight change, you can't fight entropy, you can only remember and learn and mourn it.
This week I will remain around Oxford and do those last minute things and say my last minute good bye before returning home. The freight train that is reality is speeding towards me and I feel numb and lost. I try to enjoy what I have left, but I feel less capable of living in the present, than I ever have. I'm sorry that this last blog post is less than enthusiastic or joyful, but it is the real me, as I have always given it. Until next time,
Adventures Await.
KH
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