This week from Wednesday was continued depression. I couldn't get myself to do anything, feeling more inspired to lay in bed all day than to do anything of worth with my life. I tried to work out and failed. I had no assignments, so why even bother? I also was a bit ill with a cold that made sleep less peaceful. And I couldn't help but feel a little abandoned. I don't know whether consciously or subconsciously, but others as well as I were drawing away from each other. The recognition that this experience was almost over meant that people were prematurely separating themselves from me (or at least this is how it felt). At the same time, I wondered why I should even bother to engage and I was overcome with this overwhelming feeling that this year wasn't "real" in the sense that it was a dream that I got to enjoy, but I would have to go back and wake up from it. This is of course absurd but I was struggling to find a place for this year in the larger framework of my life. It was stressing me out and making me more wary of any interactions I might have. I felt myself try to disengage.
This friday was the first friday in a long time that I got to go to formal, and all of these fears were made manifest as the individuals that I had spent very little time maintaining connections to were some of my only companions. I felt myself completely disengage and decided to go to bed early. During the week at archery, I was back to my old tricks. Something was wrong and I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I'm a scientist, which means I run tests and after testing all week and making little progress, I was more than adequately frustrated. This is of course after I had been given a new toy for my bow...a more complex stabilization system. There was the voice in the back of my mind that kept saying that I needed to figure out what was wrong because nationals were just around the corner. My perseverance has paid off some as I spent yesterday largely starting again at square one.
Saturday was a bit double booked. I had the Garden Party for archery and the GM meeting for RPGsoc in the evening. Fortunately, I could go to most of former before needing to be at the latter. I was also hired to make flapjacks (of various flavours) for the event and as a result had spent the previous days making some 7 batches of flapjacks. They were as usual a hit and I was really glad that I could contribute. It was really nice spending time with everyone. I had a lot of fun at Garden party and was once again pleased at the opportunity to dress up a bit.
My mood perked up, however, around Sunday. Sunday was the day I finally managed to jog again. Sunday was the day that the weather was amazing and Sunday was the day that I finally made some progress shooting. Of course I have a pretty nasty burn on my back as a consequence (totally forgot to put sunscreen there...ow). That said, I feel myself more ready to jump out of bed and start the day and I am happy. The memories of the time last term when I had sorted through almost everything in my life returned.
I can't say that I am looking forward to going home. I look forward to seeing my family, going to a concert with my sister, going camping, writing medical school applications (ha!), and going to Gencon and seeing another group of people who I don't get to see often enough. I don't look forward to leaving this experience. I don't look forward to saying good bye and I don't look forward to feeling like this experience was nothing more than a dream. I am going to spend the next few weeks working on ways to incorporate this experience, to make it feel more real...expect a happy blog post next week about how I won (or placed) at BUCS outdoors (I'm not cocky at all!). Until Next time.
Adventures Await
KH
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