My time in oxford was all about self-discovery. I think that is what studying abroad is actually about, less to do with learning a new culture (to be fair you can do this online) and seeing new places (things are less significant to life than people) and more to do with introspection. I tried to be self aware through the whole process and about half way through I reached what I would call happiness. I began to understand that I as a person had always been looking forward. I oriented my life towards a nebulous goal, to the next step in my journey, a future that I hoped would be better than my present, because I was under the assumption that as a young person, I was still building a life, not living it. During my time at Oxford I was given the time to settle down, to build a life that was all my own. My perspective began to turn towards the now instead of the future. For once in my life I relished the moment and made decisions for the present moment with little concern for my future. In doing so, I put the future I had imagined into perspective. THe future is unknown, uncertain and you can't despite your best efforts, predict it. The now is entirely in your control. You chose how you feel or think. You chose what you do on that day, who you spend your time with and what activities you devote yourself to. Living in the moment was all it took to make me happy. In the moment I could focus on those components that made me feel good about myself, such as exercise, competition, productivity, creativity, cooperation and company. I learned to thrive in a new environment with little structure or support and it felt good. I was really happy.
Coming home was like dying. That may seem a bit mellow dramatic, but hear me out. Everything I had built, everything I had been apart of, everything that made me happy and the structure necessary to participate in those things were suddenly gone. I came home to find the frame work that I had always had, the life I had had that was so future oriented. That told me that I had to prepare for Medical school, I had to anticipate some future event, because right now was only a stepping stone for tomorrow. My heart and mind revolted. I was a different person to some degree at home. This person wasn't happy. This person was too focused on the future and forgot how to live in the present. Each moment in this person's life was agony. This person didn't have any of the structure that was necessary to go to an archery range, to exercise regularly, to see people that mattered to me (other than my family, the one exception of course). I became moody and angry. This life had been all about distractions. Video games, television, projects, books, everything in an effort to distract myself so that tomorrow would come faster. Probably the hardest part, it was extremely isolating. Other than my family, only one or two other people were close enough to visit, I had gotten used to being surrounded by people, people I enjoyed getting to know and spending time with. I felt so alone. I began to resent the future that I had made for myself. That distant goal that was in many ways nebulous and uncertain. For the first time in my life I felt true doubt at the direction I was going and the things that I wanted. It was easy when the present wasn't demanding your attention to live floating towards future, but now the present was a blaring red sign that said, you are not happy, why are you here, the decisions you have made in your life is wrong.
But here is another aspect of life that brings me some relief and some trepidation. To some degree, you can't control how you feel. Your body doesn't like being under stress and I knew from experience that eventually my feelings will change. I will feel differently. This pain will be a memory, a distorted one at that, and I will move forward with my life. This thought makes me sad though even now. Because I have realized that the thing I want from this experience most of all is significance. I want my year abroad to be significant and a part of me that shows. I don't want to move on or past this experience. I don't want it to fade away. I want it to remain alive, because this experience brought me a lot of joy. So that is my next endeavor. To keep this experience alive, I'm just not entirely sure how. I used to be someone who always had an answer, even if I didn't "know", I had an educated guess. I don't have any answers or any clue how to move forward. I feel lost and conflicted. I suppose that is what life is about, struggle.
So despite all of my moodiness, my last week has been very busy. The day after I came home, my father, sisters, my sister's roommate, and I went downtown to watch the World Cup USA-Belgium match. One of the streets downtown had been closed off and three large screens were put in view of the street so people could watch. As we walked around downtown (my dad works there), I was surprised that I actually found the buildings downtown pretty. Sure they were more spread apart but there were a lot of interesting architectural buildings and beautiful parks and everything that I could have found in Oxford. I was mainly surprised because I thought Europe would have ruined my sense of architectural beauty in the US. We are a young country. I fully acknowledge that and Oxford is a beautiful city, but as I walked down the city street towards the game, I couldn't help but think, my home town is beautiful too. The game itself was a bit of a wash. Not because we lost, football is an exciting sport to watch, but it was too crowded and people were smoking and blowing ash in my face. It was nice to get out, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have.
Two days later, my sister and I went to the Vans Warped Tour concert festival for the day to see our long time favourite band, Anberlin, perform on their last tour before retiring. It was the first time I had been to Vans but it was lots of fun. There were 7 stages with tons of music of the Rock, Alternative, Indie, Rap, Metal, Electronica genera. We saw lots of great bands and most importantly Anberlin. It has taken me 7 years to see them in concert. I have made many attempts but something has always come up. It was great. I knew all the songs and was in the second row. They sounded as good live as they do in recording. At the end of their set, they went to their booth to sign things and meet people. I raced with my sister to get in line and we got the shirts we had bought earlier signed by the whole band. I also got to shake each of their hands. It was great! We went home a bit after that, a bit worn from the day, but overall it was good.
The next day was the Fourth of July and that was a day of some conflict. I found it difficult to be patriotic when I was missing being in the UK. Once again I would like to stress that I don't necessarily find the UK to be better than or superior to the US. I do like some aspects of the US. I was missing the life I made and the people I met, not the country itself. My family went downtown to watch the fireworks and it was a nice night. The firework show was pretty standard and I enjoyed once again being at a public event. But it did give me time to reflect on what it means to be patriotic. Even I found some of the patriotism a bit over the top. I definitely think that I am more globally oriented. Still it was nice to spend time with family.
The rest of my week was running errands and preparing the many things that I needed to get done this summer. It feels nice to be productive but I also occasionally feel cooped up and can sense myself waiting or just wanting to distract myself for a tomorrow. I still find it difficult to enjoy the day. Fortunately, I have been keeping in touch with some people from the UK and that has made this transition easier. I feel less like I'm losing that life all together and more like it is still there waiting for me, I just hope that I can come back. At the request of some people, I will probably still post to this blog every once in awhile, though my life is likely to be less exciting. Where it was once a way to keep in touch with people in the US, it will now be a life line to the people in the UK who have become my close friends and family. So until next time,
Adventures Await
KH
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