I feel so unsettled and stressed. The last week has been largely a blur as I watched the last days and hours of my holiday tick by. I tried to make the most of every moment with the people I loved and cared for, but it was difficult to enjoy those moments when I was anticipating the worst. I'm mostly recovered and less prone to spontaneous tears, but with Medical school staring me down, I am overwhelmed.
The last wednesday before I flew home was a bit of a party. A large number of people came over to the house for a cookout. We played games of werewolf where my character died within the first round, and more giant mothertrucking space crabs. It was nice to spend time with people and the burgers and sausages on the grill were delicious. I didn't mind playing partial hostess though nothing compared to Graeme and Jenny. There was a weird sense of displacement though throughout the day. I couldn't help but feel both present and absent. The awareness of my own impending departure dis-incentivized me from being overly social. The burden of it all made me retreat into easy distractions like the games on my phone or the passive watching of people play Rock Band. The acceptance of my leaving Oxford made it difficult for me to live in the moment because the moment was so painful.
On my last day in Oxford, the boiler was being repaired. Without water, there wasn't much that could be done and so I felt anxious. Packing was difficult and I took every opportunity to shorten the distance between the people who had been so gracious to let me stay in their home for a month and who made me feel so at home. I didn't sleep much that night as I had to catch a very early bus the next morning at 6:30am. I blubbered at the bus stop with my boyfriend until the bus whisked me away from my home in order to begin a 22 hour stressful trip to Indianapolis.
Nothing extremely bad happened during my journey but a number of things almost happened. I was very tired when I arrived at Gatwick and I nearly left my passport on the bus. The bus drivers didn't help me feel better about it when I explained frantically why I had stopped the bus just as it had closed its doors. I got through security rather quickly and had to kill a couple hours before my flight to Dublin. Once in Dublin, I actually went through customs and was surprised how many times I had to go through security. The flight over the atlantic wasn't bad and the food was actually edible. They served a chicken tikka masala dish that was actually enjoyable. I spent most of the flight watching movies as I found it difficult to sleep too much. With very little sleep, I reached chicago and had a very stressful set back. My flight from Chicago to Indy was booked separately from my flight from London to Chicago. As a result, I had to collect my checked bag and recheck it before I could get on. I had around two hours before my next flight which I figured would be plenty of time. However, some person had too large a bag and the conveyor belt was clogged for easily an hour. Fortunately, other than being stressed and anxious about it, I made it to my last flight with plenty of time to spare. I reached Indy around 10:45pm and slept most of the Chicago to Indy flight. Having had very little sleep, I expected to crash immediately upon hitting my bed, but that wasn't the case.
Since being back, I have sorted out most of my paperwork and made plans for the next week to get the remainder done. I have begun looking for apartments and generally being an adult. My wifi is too spotty to skype and I feel disconnected from my life. I've gained some emotionally stability, but my life feels on hold for the moment. I've tried to focus on when I can visit again and being productive. I found a new exercise routine to try and I'm excited to try and take control of my life in some ways. Before I know it, I will be training to be a doctor, a dream that I've had for nearly a decade. I'm just trying to figure out how to make things work, just like anyone I suppose.
Now this is the point where I would reflect on my trip as a whole, but I find such a venture difficult. The trip as a whole had so many flavor, so many changes and I can't help but leave feeling as though it was a half measure. It was a trial period for a life I ultimately don't get to chose. It was a quest and a challenge for my agency and I can't help but worry there was more I could have done. That in some way, I have failed. As I mentioned before, I will likely refrain from posting any more on this blog as it is my blog for Oxford. I hope that one day and one day soon I will have a reason to use this blog again as it means my life in Oxford is not gone and not over. Hopefully, Next time. Adventures Await.
~KH
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Dancing
It often surprises me how quickly time passes. I feel myself caught unawares as I stand at a precipice of life decisions that simultaneously excite and terrify me. I can't help but think that the decisions that I make in the next coming weeks are going to change the direction of my life and regardless of what I do, I will lose something. I'm hoping that I have the skill and the wisdom to make the best decisions given the information that I have. But enough of the heavy and perhaps more of the mundane.
My week started off with exercise and got slowly more and more indulgent and a bit lazy (by my own choice). Tuesday was the last in game session for the society game and given the events of my last turn, I got the opportunity to try playing an arguably evil character. It was also fun to poke plot that I hadn't really been involved in before. Afterwards was the monthly goth/EDM night at a local club in Oxford. Many of us got dressed up and danced the night away. I was surprised by my own endurance, happy to have danced longer than I did. If anything, the heat was the biggest issue. I had a wonderful time and took particular joy in the smile on my boyfriend's face through the night.
The next couple days were lazy ones with not much more activity than watching shows on netflix and playing video games. No complaining here though. I have been relishing the opportunity to relax on this holiday. The end of my time at university was extremely stressful and catching up on much needed sleep. I'm being well taken care of here and I do my best to help out when I can.
Yesterday was the ball for Regent's Park college and along with Sara and some archery friends we went. I spent the day getting ready with two of my best friends and was grateful for the distraction as the looming date of my return to the US was weighing heavily on my mind. Unfortunately, I had some bad luck. My dress zipper died not once, not twice but three times and after bruising my thumb trying to fix it, I ultimately had to abandon it to wear one of my darling Sarah's spares. Fortunately, we had planned with enough time in advance that this upset did not make us late or even scrambling last minute. The ball itself was good fun. It was a bit cold and unfortunately it did rain, but the ball was designed with opportunities to avoid it. There was a hooka tent, burger stand, bouncy castle, live brass bands that did 70s, 80s and modern covers, casino games and a photobooth. The group of us took advantage of everything and I had a great time dancing and will cherish all the photos. It was a surprising evening and those of you who have read all of my posts or remember, I had a terrible time at St. Cats ball. This ball was much better and I am reminded, as always, people make my experiences worth while.
Now to the part of this report that called for the heavy discussion at the beginning and some of you were probably waiting for if you stalk my facebook page. On Thursday, I got a frantic message from my father to skype him. Now, I was suspicious enough as it was because that morning I got an email from AMCAS (the application service for medical school) asking me to fill out a criminal background check as is procedure for accepted applicants. It is in talking to my father that I find out that I have been offered a place at Indiana University School of Medicine (The Fort Wayne campus for now). This news is fantastic. It is the first guarantee about my potential future that I have gotten. The rush of agency it gave me was in many ways a relief and a joy. But as I've gotten older and as I've closer to being responsible for more aspects of my life, I've come to understand how decisions and news rarely are purely good or bad. The news hit me with as much joy as it did fear and sadness. Now I know that line just cost me a sigh and a frown from my mother and a knowing but sad frown from my dad, but there is a reason that I'm here in the UK and not in the US this summer. There is a reason that I applied for work here. There is a life that I would be happy to live if I could sustain it here. Making the decision to go to medical school, a career dream that I have and want to pursue, is putting that life on hold if not denying it entirely. I can't help but feel torn in two and while I know I have choices, the pragmatic part of me sees the number of realistic choices as one. I have only one potential opportunity for a job at the moment in Oxford and I'm not optimistic, but it presents the only potential for a pragmatic option that is different. I don't have it in me to say no to a guarantee and I'm trying to live with and fully understand the ramifications of that choice.
For now, I will enjoy this moment. I will be in Chicago next week. My family has decided to make a trip of it and I have no idea what we will be doing, but I'm sure it will be fun. I'll try to post again, but I foresee myself taking another break. This blog has become too much a chronicle of my life in Oxford and its difficult to use it for anything else. May there be a Next Time, but regardless, Adventures Await.
KH
My week started off with exercise and got slowly more and more indulgent and a bit lazy (by my own choice). Tuesday was the last in game session for the society game and given the events of my last turn, I got the opportunity to try playing an arguably evil character. It was also fun to poke plot that I hadn't really been involved in before. Afterwards was the monthly goth/EDM night at a local club in Oxford. Many of us got dressed up and danced the night away. I was surprised by my own endurance, happy to have danced longer than I did. If anything, the heat was the biggest issue. I had a wonderful time and took particular joy in the smile on my boyfriend's face through the night.
The next couple days were lazy ones with not much more activity than watching shows on netflix and playing video games. No complaining here though. I have been relishing the opportunity to relax on this holiday. The end of my time at university was extremely stressful and catching up on much needed sleep. I'm being well taken care of here and I do my best to help out when I can.
Yesterday was the ball for Regent's Park college and along with Sara and some archery friends we went. I spent the day getting ready with two of my best friends and was grateful for the distraction as the looming date of my return to the US was weighing heavily on my mind. Unfortunately, I had some bad luck. My dress zipper died not once, not twice but three times and after bruising my thumb trying to fix it, I ultimately had to abandon it to wear one of my darling Sarah's spares. Fortunately, we had planned with enough time in advance that this upset did not make us late or even scrambling last minute. The ball itself was good fun. It was a bit cold and unfortunately it did rain, but the ball was designed with opportunities to avoid it. There was a hooka tent, burger stand, bouncy castle, live brass bands that did 70s, 80s and modern covers, casino games and a photobooth. The group of us took advantage of everything and I had a great time dancing and will cherish all the photos. It was a surprising evening and those of you who have read all of my posts or remember, I had a terrible time at St. Cats ball. This ball was much better and I am reminded, as always, people make my experiences worth while.
Now to the part of this report that called for the heavy discussion at the beginning and some of you were probably waiting for if you stalk my facebook page. On Thursday, I got a frantic message from my father to skype him. Now, I was suspicious enough as it was because that morning I got an email from AMCAS (the application service for medical school) asking me to fill out a criminal background check as is procedure for accepted applicants. It is in talking to my father that I find out that I have been offered a place at Indiana University School of Medicine (The Fort Wayne campus for now). This news is fantastic. It is the first guarantee about my potential future that I have gotten. The rush of agency it gave me was in many ways a relief and a joy. But as I've gotten older and as I've closer to being responsible for more aspects of my life, I've come to understand how decisions and news rarely are purely good or bad. The news hit me with as much joy as it did fear and sadness. Now I know that line just cost me a sigh and a frown from my mother and a knowing but sad frown from my dad, but there is a reason that I'm here in the UK and not in the US this summer. There is a reason that I applied for work here. There is a life that I would be happy to live if I could sustain it here. Making the decision to go to medical school, a career dream that I have and want to pursue, is putting that life on hold if not denying it entirely. I can't help but feel torn in two and while I know I have choices, the pragmatic part of me sees the number of realistic choices as one. I have only one potential opportunity for a job at the moment in Oxford and I'm not optimistic, but it presents the only potential for a pragmatic option that is different. I don't have it in me to say no to a guarantee and I'm trying to live with and fully understand the ramifications of that choice.
For now, I will enjoy this moment. I will be in Chicago next week. My family has decided to make a trip of it and I have no idea what we will be doing, but I'm sure it will be fun. I'll try to post again, but I foresee myself taking another break. This blog has become too much a chronicle of my life in Oxford and its difficult to use it for anything else. May there be a Next Time, but regardless, Adventures Await.
KH
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Settled
It is amazing how much the body adapts to new situations and settles in. It took me a couple of weeks to truly settle into Oxford again, to relocate those roots, but once I had, I was reminded why it was so hard to leave the first time. I've had a wonderful time this last week. It was a fairly social week with lots of role playing society and outside socializing activity. I finally punted and I got to relive some archery moments at Garden Party. In some ways, a lot has happened, and in others not much.
First, something that has been tumbling around in my brain is the word settle and the word normal. Whenever I tell people that I find being back in Oxford very normal, I am always quick to include that when I mean normal, I don't mean boring or mundane, but natural. Similarly, I think it is easy to hear the word settle and think of a lowering of one's self. We settle for okay, because we can't have fantastic. But when I use the word, the only thing that comes to mind is comfort, foundation and support. Settling also evokes the idea of permanence or immobility, which I suppose is not always negative, but is similarly a double edged concept. It seems to me that normalcy and settling are very much understood in context and carry socially juxtaposed values. There is a sense in which all of this is very much obvious, but I can't help but pay it particular note in these past few weeks. Enough of my linguistic ramblings and back to what you are actually here for.
I've been really enjoying role playing again. Role Playing Society game this week was a thrill as I did a pretty good job conning a number of people and got to play around with some acting breath. I'll refrain from going into too much detail as I know there are parts of the society which are among my readers. Let's just say that I got to dress up a little more than usual and got to convince people of a not entirely true reason for that. Playing with people's perceptions of vulnerability and see what weeks of trust have bought me is an enjoyable acting experience. The downside of my success though is that I did have one of the only hand full of permanent in game deaths, but I look forward to playing out the consequences. Something that I think is difficult in role playing and something that many players including myself struggle with is the idea that failure or destruction of your character is sometimes more fun than success. New challenges and creative thinking are required when you play yourself into corners and that is often where the best games come from. I'm looking forward to playing the last session this Tuesday.
Not much later in the week, I went punting with my boyfriend and some of my archery friends, including the ever re-occuring Sara. I was pleased to find that I did have some innate knack for punting after only a quick demonstration. It was a lovely day as well. This week has brought with it some of the nicest and warmest weather which I have been relishing most days. We also enjoyed some ice cream and lounged in Baliol's quad for the afternoon.
The next day, I went to Regent's formal for the first time in a year with Sara. It just so happened to be the recognition dinner and so the dinner was particularly fancy. I had a great time catching up with everyone from regents and getting hyped for the ball this coming weekend.
The following day, I went on a picnic with The Coven and some people from RPGsoc. It was so nice that we spent easily 6 hours snacking and lounging in the park. We bought a paper and did the crossword and somehow ended up in wrestling matches. People came and went at their leisure and I quite enjoyed it. When we did retire for the evening, we played a quick and easy free form RPG called Big Mutherfukin' Crab Truckers which in this particular group got quickly out of hand. Set in space, we sideswiped a space whale and fired on the crab media before taking over the crab media mother ship in order to transport the core of the dessert planet 'whatever youcallit' made of McGuffinite to the octopi of octopaedia that needed to survive. Our ship was the Good O' Rick Roll. So, from that, I hope that gives you a taste of the ridiculous nature of the game.
My week ended with garden party. I got to see old friends and make a few new ones. I got to drink pims in nice warm weather, get only a little sun burnt, and watch people play croquet. It was another relaxing day filled with socializing which is exactly what this extrovert loves. Now if I could only ignore the twinge of anticipation that breaks me down when I see the Oxford Airline bus pass by and refrain from checking my application statuses.
And if that wasn't clear, there is still no news. But it will be ok, I have a busy week ahead of me. Intrusion, a goth club night in Oxford, on tuesday along with the final session and the ball for Regent's this weekend. I'll try to settle in this moment for now, because it brings me the most happiness and makes me feel the most alive. I'm not settling for anything but what makes me happy.
Until next time! Adventures await.
~KH
First, something that has been tumbling around in my brain is the word settle and the word normal. Whenever I tell people that I find being back in Oxford very normal, I am always quick to include that when I mean normal, I don't mean boring or mundane, but natural. Similarly, I think it is easy to hear the word settle and think of a lowering of one's self. We settle for okay, because we can't have fantastic. But when I use the word, the only thing that comes to mind is comfort, foundation and support. Settling also evokes the idea of permanence or immobility, which I suppose is not always negative, but is similarly a double edged concept. It seems to me that normalcy and settling are very much understood in context and carry socially juxtaposed values. There is a sense in which all of this is very much obvious, but I can't help but pay it particular note in these past few weeks. Enough of my linguistic ramblings and back to what you are actually here for.
I've been really enjoying role playing again. Role Playing Society game this week was a thrill as I did a pretty good job conning a number of people and got to play around with some acting breath. I'll refrain from going into too much detail as I know there are parts of the society which are among my readers. Let's just say that I got to dress up a little more than usual and got to convince people of a not entirely true reason for that. Playing with people's perceptions of vulnerability and see what weeks of trust have bought me is an enjoyable acting experience. The downside of my success though is that I did have one of the only hand full of permanent in game deaths, but I look forward to playing out the consequences. Something that I think is difficult in role playing and something that many players including myself struggle with is the idea that failure or destruction of your character is sometimes more fun than success. New challenges and creative thinking are required when you play yourself into corners and that is often where the best games come from. I'm looking forward to playing the last session this Tuesday.
Not much later in the week, I went punting with my boyfriend and some of my archery friends, including the ever re-occuring Sara. I was pleased to find that I did have some innate knack for punting after only a quick demonstration. It was a lovely day as well. This week has brought with it some of the nicest and warmest weather which I have been relishing most days. We also enjoyed some ice cream and lounged in Baliol's quad for the afternoon.
The next day, I went to Regent's formal for the first time in a year with Sara. It just so happened to be the recognition dinner and so the dinner was particularly fancy. I had a great time catching up with everyone from regents and getting hyped for the ball this coming weekend.
The following day, I went on a picnic with The Coven and some people from RPGsoc. It was so nice that we spent easily 6 hours snacking and lounging in the park. We bought a paper and did the crossword and somehow ended up in wrestling matches. People came and went at their leisure and I quite enjoyed it. When we did retire for the evening, we played a quick and easy free form RPG called Big Mutherfukin' Crab Truckers which in this particular group got quickly out of hand. Set in space, we sideswiped a space whale and fired on the crab media before taking over the crab media mother ship in order to transport the core of the dessert planet 'whatever youcallit' made of McGuffinite to the octopi of octopaedia that needed to survive. Our ship was the Good O' Rick Roll. So, from that, I hope that gives you a taste of the ridiculous nature of the game.
My week ended with garden party. I got to see old friends and make a few new ones. I got to drink pims in nice warm weather, get only a little sun burnt, and watch people play croquet. It was another relaxing day filled with socializing which is exactly what this extrovert loves. Now if I could only ignore the twinge of anticipation that breaks me down when I see the Oxford Airline bus pass by and refrain from checking my application statuses.
And if that wasn't clear, there is still no news. But it will be ok, I have a busy week ahead of me. Intrusion, a goth club night in Oxford, on tuesday along with the final session and the ball for Regent's this weekend. I'll try to settle in this moment for now, because it brings me the most happiness and makes me feel the most alive. I'm not settling for anything but what makes me happy.
Until next time! Adventures await.
~KH
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