I feel guilty when I see the look of disappointment in my friend's and relative's eyes whenever I mention the struggles I had during my travels in Europe. Frustrated at my lack of gratitude at the opportunity to see places they have never been, may never be able to go. It makes me want to hide my honesty, and frustrated in myself for not enjoying and being humbled by the experience. It makes me feel as though people don't understand the difficulties I encountered, and reminds me that I held similar assumptions about what an adventure through Europe would be. My heart drops whenever I see the heart break in my parents eyes every time I mention my unhappiness at being home and my desire to have the life I had in Oxford. It makes me feel spoiled, like a brat. Oxford was always meant to be temporary. And now I'm complaining and pouting about it like a child. This is a first world problem, my life at home is perfectly comfortable, with more things than I probably need, food, shelter, a family that loves me. Why should I feel dissatisfied and by feeling dissatisfied does that make me a greedy and selfish first world brat who can't recognize their own privilege. It feels as though the appropriate response is to move on, to smile and to look back with fondness and be grateful.
I am grateful. I am grateful for every moment good or bad that I got to experience. Maybe I'm not expressing it well enough. I am humbled by the opportunity, but in doing it once, I am reminded that the barriers for travelling abroad are not as huge as people assume it is. But I can't seem to move on. The last few weeks, I have been preparing for medical school applications. When I really and honestly looked at myself and tried to answer the essay question about why I wanted to go to medical school, I found a self-doubt that had not been there before. At first I tried to hide it and the result was mechanical and artificial. Then my aunt, who was my editor and a frequent reader of my blog, tried to showcase it, a decision I fought initially out of fear. For a moment, I thought I could feel pride in my doubt, in being human, but then the appropriateness of it was questioned and I was back at square one. These months have taught me that no one wants to see your pain and your struggle. I don't blame them. I wish I didn't have it either. I rationally want these feelings to go away, to remain resolute once again. I want to stop feeling like a problem and a burden. I want to feel grateful and humble. But when I can't just will the emotions away, when I can't stop feeling the way I am feeling, it only feeds into that self doubt, that self-hatred. So each week, rather than getting stronger, I feel myself getting weaker and guiltier as I see the people around me get fed up in dealing with me.
I spent the last week of my life on the annual family camping trip. In the past, this tradition has always been one of my favourites. Each year, a good majority of my mother's side of the family between 14-18 people all go camping at a different location around the US (and sometimes Canada). I have seen so much of the US in the 10 years that I have been allowed to go. Since there are so many people, the trip is fairly structured with an itinerary of events and most meals planned out well in advance. Now one of the things about home that I have struggled with is the lack of people, so I was optimistic to see a large portion of my family that I had not seen for over a year and to be surrounded by so many people. This year we went it Chattanooga TN, a beautiful location along the TN river near the border of Georgia and nestled between some of the mountains of the Appalachian. I was immediately optimistic when we rounded the corner and I was reminded what a natural location the city had and was reminded that I never did get to go hiking like I had wanted to. Going abroad really has given me a greater appreciation for the beauty in my own country.
The first full day was relatively low key. We went to the farmers market and I wasn't all that impressed. It wasn't as large as they touted and there wasn't much worth looking at. The live swing music was probably the best part. I did manage to find a jeweler who made really fascinating Jewelry and ended up coming home with a bracelet. The second day, we went to the aquarium and then had a walking tour of the city of Chattanooga. I started this day in a bad mood. I was in the wrong head space to enjoy an aquarium or anything. I wanted to sulk. I was frustrated by selfishness I had displayed that morning and the reminder that my behavior was inappropriate for an adult. I walked passively through all the displays of fish, and other than noticing the impressive design of the place, was not all that wowed. I'd managed to cheer up after lunch a little, by means I'm not particularly proud of. The walking tour gave me the chance to appreciate the city of Chattanooga which has in recent years become a very artsy city and with its natural hilly nature, an active city as well. I couldn't help but think that such qualities were ones I desired in wherever I settled down in the future.
Tuesday, I was really excited. It was the day when we were going to be on a mountain and I was anticipating some natural climbing and hiking. Could I not have been more wrong. While I did get to see beautiful views, some of which supposedly stretched 7 states, the whole experience was artificial and touristy. Rock City, the main attraction was little more than a park, with paved pathways and no freedom to explore. Not to mention the hokey gnomes and artificial Mother Goose cave. I was disheartened by the whole experience and in an effort to cheer up my active spirit my mom made the promise to try the next day to do something more active. Which we did. The unscheduled day that we always have on Wednesday was my favourite day of the whole trip. Usually, I go to see a summer blockbuster with my dad, but this year, I went rock climbing with my mom and uncle before going to the Hunter art museum. Both experiences were fun and I really enjoyed the company, something I haven't really had in awhile. We even got my uncle to rock climb with us and the ache in my muscles the next day made me smile. The museum was also loads of fun and well designed. The experience reminded me of the time I'd been to the Chicago art museum with my uncle.
Thursday we went to the Jack Daniels distillery followed by an afternoon at the nearby tiny town, which was an experience, but not a particularly memorable one. The distillation process and steps were all very interesting and it was a pretty good tour for being a free one. The nearby town, which amounted to one stop light and a square was not really worth visiting, given that the three things that were sold were Jack Daniels memorabilia, Confederate Memorabilia, and Biker gear. None of the demographics I particularly fall into. It was also a longer drive than anticipated, and I wasn't to pleased by the passivity. There are others though, who found it quite enjoyable and so I am happy to have gone.
Friday was our final day and we went on a river cruise. Now I don't know how my uncle managed it, but we were on the yacht which was beautiful all by ourselves. The captain didn't need to speak on teh loud speaker but instead sat in the bar with my family and talked about the area. I took the opportunity for some alone time as I found myself desiring more and more solitude as the week went on. I read on the front of the boat, enjoying the sun and the nice breeze that came off the front of the boat. I enjoyed myself and the really nice boat. The rest of the afternoon, we spent at camp before going out to dinner. Everyone was packing and getting ready to leave the next day, and I found some relief at the idea of going home. Dinner was a Mongolian restaurant that was fairly good.
By the end of the week, I felt more stressed than when I had left, something I didn't think was possible, and to top it all off, when I did return home, I found I couldn't relax. Instead I felt anxiety. I tried to go to sleep early, but instead I found I couldn't really sleep. Which brings us to this moment now, where I got up and decided that the best thing to do was blog. Putting feelings to words allows me to look at them objectively, separate myself from those feelings that are burdening me. It doesn't mean they go away. Once again, I feel I should apologize for my honesty. I know people don't want to read the ramblings of a child, and many probably think that this honesty is better left to a private diary, but I've never been one to shy away from truth. Or fear exposure. I will keep trying, which is all I can do. Fortunately, Gencon is just on the horizon to distract me. I have a lot of costume pieces to put together, but I am excited for it. And excitement has been a difficult thing to muster lately. Until next time.
~KH
Push through with the honesty. If you don't do it now, you'll just have to do it later. Hang in there. You will find your way. I have faith in you.
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